Thursday, January 17, 2008

Fuming Crap and Tattoos on Buttcracks.

You know mornings? The beginnings of days?
They are dreadful.

You know what's even more dreadful?
Having to wake up; (even if it's only because the local temple poojari thinks Ganesha would oversleep if He did not listen to MS Subbulakshmi generating 130 decibels on a tape player that has survived Hiroshima.)

You know what's most dreadful?
Having to wake up in (to) a city that is increasingly reminding the Monkey of the birthplace of subspecies Oye Yaar Vot-Ijeet.

As if outsourcing its collective moron batch month after month in early morning budget airline flights was not enough, Dilli seems hellbent on establishing a more concrete relationship with Bangalore by outsourcing its much irritating weather as well.
Us Bangaloreans do not understand the concept of season, unless it is spoken of in the context of When did Phoebe get pregnant with her brother's triplets? (Season 4). See, we live in a thermostat, untouched by the Anemoi.
We would bring out the sweaters during the winter only to make the world think we too can feel the cold that one is expected to during the winter, and that we are not lepers with all our nerves eaten away.
We would do the cotton shirt-watermelon juice routine during summers, because May is supposedly an extremely hot month of the year. The truth of course was that the temperature would remain a brilliant 24 degrees Celsius throughout, occasionally hitting a mighty 30, which would have the early morning Grandpas conference near Arya Bhawan, Jayanagar reverberate with the tut-tuts of walking sticks, and conversations hinting at catastrophes.
"Mr. Krishnaswami, 30 degrees, can you believe it? The city has gone to the dogs"
"Absolutely Mr. Rao, the dogs you say? I would say hot dogs. Ha Ha Ha."
(See, they are also part of the Laughter Club whose sole purpose is to scare the mongrels away. And me.)

But now, is another matter.
Summers are hot, and winters are cold. And we so hate sticking to protocol. Especially one that is over-enthusiastically endorsed by the city of Oye-Yaar-Vot-Ijeets. The realization of the extreme cold happened when Appa refused to wake up even as the clock struck 8:45, and Amma asked Brother S to eat from the office canteen for five consecutive days. I, however, had my epiphany in the John. I should probably call it Jaan, or better still Janaardhan. For, we are huge fans of the Indian toilets. The weshtrun type, you pliss keep to yourself. It's unhygienic, uncomfortable and most of all unsatisfactory. The experience, for lack of better words, is.. unwholesome. AND, it is anatomically incompatible.
While the Indian version, despite being a tad difficult for those with redwood girths, makes the experience wholesome. (It's the pressure, I tell you.)
So, you know when I realized it was cold? I had studied the previous night about something regarding observation of crap and how many things can be understood by the exercise. So, I thought, I have crap. I will also observe.
And guess what I saw?

Fuming crap, damnit!

Like freshly baked buns. Fine fumes emanated. And I thought I was dying or I had the Gerstmann-Straussler-Scheinker syndrome or that I was dying or something. Then I asked a few representatives to observe their own crap, only the early morning specimens. And they reported similar results too. So, if I am answering exam questions, or better still, when I am writing my own book of clinical medicine (these days, everybody can), you sure know what I am going to include in the chapter Winter Season And Associated Afflictions. The patient may complain of fuming feces, especially during early mornings. It is no cause for alarm, and it does not mean that the patient has Gerstmann-Struassler-Scheinker syndrome.

So while we are at it, let's also talk about Amma's visit to a baby shower or Seemantha (NOT to be confused with Sobhana, which is First Night, okay?)
She comes back, all exhausted. Turns to me and goes,

"You like girls?"
"Huyn?"
"..with taatoos?"
"Oh."
"Like, what is the point of these things?"
"Erm"
"It's not like these taatoos are saying Om, Shree, Attilakkamma Devi. It's some halli (lizard) with fire in its mouth!"
"Dragon?"
"Whatever, I am dragging nothing. It's true ma, Spunky Monkey"
"Ahaa"
"So what is the point of these things, these taatoos?"
"Some people believe it is an expression of their personality, and integral to their being, and that it speaks a certain something about themselves, that they never could put in words"
"But why on buttcracks?"
"Oh that is for fashion purposes, Amma"
"At a Seemantha?!"
"It's kinda permanent Amma. You can't choose to take it a discotheque and not take it to a baby shower"
"It's permanent?!"
"Ha, for the most part"
"Rama rama, what will people think of her when she is 60, and goes to the Ragigudda Temple for the Hanuma Jayanti celebrations with a halli breathing fire on her buttcrack?
"A hip grandma?"
(While we were beaming about Amma not getting my terrible puns, she started yet again)
"These names. What sort of a name is Ni-ki-ta?"
"A good one?"
"Muchh baai (Shett up). Sounds like some China-Japan name"
"Russia ma? Remember there was the Russian guy?"
"China-Japan-Burma-Russia all same. What difference?"
"Yeah. Nobody can speak Kannada anyway"
"See, I am not telling that they should have long long names from Lalitha Sahasranama like Rajathaachalashringaagramadhyasthaa. That would be silly. But what is wrong with Himaachalavamshapaavani or Sree Varamahalakshmi, you tell me."
"You have a point amma, you know you are always right"
"Okay, what do you want?"
"Remember that guy Avinash, that B.Com type fellow who had colored his hair blond? I asked you that day for something no? To pierce my left eyebrow? And you said Yes, remember?"
"Whaaaaat?"
"Haan, ma"
"Eyy, just you read that book full of grotesque pictures and do well in exams. Hubb chuchskotaante, sundaraanga. (Wants to get a piercing done, this chipmunk. I shall do nothing but cock a snook)"
"Say what you want, I am SO getting it"
"Pah, I have had it with you kids of this generation. Do whatever you want. Naraka only awaits you. Chitragupta is writing it all down, I will have you know. Taatoos, piercing, Ni-ki-ta, your brother's electric guitar, what not! AND we have that firangi wedding come this weekend. Sonykudi, changa-manga, oh-god. There's too much happening. I think I will go sleep. Rama, Raghavendra, kaapaaDappa. (Rama, Raghavendra, save us all)"

Later that night, we got a call from our Big Maava. His wife was admitted in the hospital with some back problems. This, only about a month after a new daughter-in-law came to their house. Since then, one decrepit grandmother has kicked the bucket, the Maava's son has had a near fatal accident, and now this. Last I heard, they were on a manic search for that astrologer who fixed the muhurta for the wedding and said, "Raayare, idu Raja Lagna" (Mister Maava, this muhurat is fit for the Kings").

Testing times these for our family.
And it doesn't help that the Monkey gives his final year's final exams a week hence.
Like Amma would say, "Rama, Raghavendra, kaapaaDappa."

59 comments:

wanderlust said...

tune into any radiostation, and you have a feeling this is oye-yaar-votijeet City.
phucking votijeeters and americans... what and all they do to the weather and climate with their big-big cars that we have to suffer temperature swings like this... What pisses me off is it's getting cold in the mornings IN MANGALORE (another votijeet city in the making)!!!
i've always wondered what happens to folks who are in an astrologically incompatible marriage... do keep me posted.
do you live in jayanagar of the laughter club and early morning walks, apart from 4th block complex and madhavan park?

Anonymous said...

Fuck dude, this was funny! I have been a lurker for a long time. But this blog is hilarious. I wish you would post more often though. Reading about the south indian way of life is damn fun. and you write it so convincingly!
(but hell, i am from Delhi)
:)

Adorable Pancreas said...

You know what's even worse than having to wake up? Getting up. Is a pain. I can wake up at brahma muhurtha if my dad wants me to, but will continue to lie in bed.

Have you seen those bio energy ads? A cow sitting on a toilet which is connected to a bio gas plant, and there's a lady cooking from the 'gas' at the plant. The cow should have been squatting uncomfortably, instead of calmly reading the paper. Weshturn type toilets are for cows, it seemed to say.

Thomas D'Souza said...

Book deal, book deal anyone? You i ask, Mr Monkeyman. Most of this blog I read sitting in office. It reads brilliant yet breezy. Good job, great job, in fact!

Siri said...

Gross in parts. :P
But, as always, hits the right notes.
Nice nice.

Prats said...

**Rama rama, what will people think of her when she is 60, and goes to the Ragigudda Temple for the Hanuma Jayanti celebrations with a halli breathing fire on her buttcrack?

Nothing!!! wonly when she bends down to give her chappal for maida hittu gum-sticking, the poor boy might just stick the number paper on her butt...thats all!!



Oh Grandfatehrs now congregate near arya bhavan izeeet??? Oh....Not somari katte????

Bikerdude said...

Gaaaahahaha. I finally FINALLY, thanks to you, S&M, have found the perfect tattoo.

Jai Sri Attilakkamma Devi with Hemalatha Miss's face just above buttcrack.

Looly post as always I say!!

Burpoid said...

=D thumbane giggles bandbidtu. loka is doing full snoring pakkadalli, bere.

you should give amma solpa royalty. too much mileage togotya motherhood-du.

amele? en samachara? bari ill geechdre response haaktyo-eno.

cappuccino song said...

The description of the Bangalore weather could not have been righter. Which also reminds all of us that you mister, are an excellent excellent writer. Like the comment above says, you must pay your mum some royalty out of all the money you ll get in the future for writing bestselling books!

I love Lucy said...

Classic!Especially the hubb chuchkothananthe sundaraanga
got reminded of some gems that used to escape my mom's mouth ever so often back then!She has mellowed down over the years but one thing she still cannot accept is why our neighbor's daughter...the one that grew up in front of my amma's eyes...refuses to wear tops that cover her midriff..."adh yaak haage hokkalu thoraskond odaadthale " she wonders!
The only thing that was namma ooru's saving grace was the wonderful weather.And now even that is screwed is it?!!
And hey,good luck with your exams!

RustyNeurons said...

Hilarious!!! You write so well man..
I couldn't agree with you more on the weather getting messed up with hazzaar vehicles on the road honking their way to glory,with unfamiliar number plates.

moody crab said...

awesome post..

can totally relate to so many of your posts.. we have similar backgrounds.. kannadiga brahmin, have a brother, a little orthodox Mom.. got similar reactions to every single one of my three ear piercings.. :)

P.S: Do let us know the day your book on clinical medicine is out in the market.. :D

La vida Loca said...

lolz all the way thru'
ood luck with the exam.

Poojitha said...

You write so byoooootifully. You do, you do. Count me in among your long long list of fans. Do well in the exams dude.

a fan said...

That entire conversation with your mom is too much dude!
Also, I agree. The weather is getting very very bad. Great stuff dude. Keep 'em coming.

Renovatio said...

I had that epiphany when I observed my dog's crap a few winters ago. I couldn't keep it up too long however, as the stench was rather overpowering.

neel said...

fuming crap is normallll!!!!! Thank fucking Lordddd.... :)

Anonymous said...

not your best. but a fun read nonetheless.

Tys on Ice said...

;)...tht was funny...

just an offhand fact, u know tht whn u track elephants in the wild, u actually feel the dung for warmth to see how close u r to the herd...sometimes in the early morning, it fumes ...thts whn u run.

u r hot shit man!

Ziah said...

I know the epiphany over the crap was bad enuff.. but.. erm.. did you manage to pee?

M said...

You are a funny funny guy!
All the best for exams.

Arjun said...

So throwing faeces at your friends is next?

'Hip grandma' was a brilliant pun.

Opaline said...

"China-Japan-Burma-Russia all same. What difference?"

Haha, your mother is kickass. What language is that, bytheway? Telugu? Kannada? Malayalam?

Thinking aloud said...

that conversation with your mom was too good...almost a replay of mine with my grand mom :P...

so bangalore has frozen it speople with it oye-yaar-votijeet weather....tsk..tsk...

Ms.Mephistopheles said...

Hilarious!!!
Despite me loving Dilli but not the 'Votijeet' varieties & Having a 'Halli' with fire in its mouth tattoo (but not on the butt crack)...
Your Amma is soooooper funny!!!
Best of luck with your exams!!! :)

Spock said...

"See, I am not telling that they should have long long names from Lalitha Sahasranama like Rajathaachalashringaagramadhyasthaa. That would be silly. But what is wrong with Himaachalavamshapaavani or Sree Varamahalakshmi, you tell me."

Awesome! Most of the post is, anyway. You write very very well dude. Keep up the great work. All the best with exams!

Hershey Desai said...

gah. Hate mornings too. Atleast the first 20 minutes of it.

..and yet another reference to Friends. Thats the 14th one I am seeing in the past 5 days.

ironically, when its freezing I prefer to wear the cotton shirts.. and well, lets just say during summer its a tedious job trying to get me into any clothes.


I really hope the bit about the toilets was meant as sarcasm.
I prefer the american brand for simply one reason..though it doesn't apply to me... when you are totally drunk, its not a good sight to go puke down an indian toilet... you might fall in. lol. eww... yet again resorted to toilet humor, something is wrong with my brain...needs to be flushed.





a tattoo saying om, shree??? thats something new.

and... the mighty dragon, my favorite creature... sob, reduced to ...to being called.. a "halli"... the inhumanity.

HA! I think as soon as "buttcracks" would have been mentioned I would have lost my composure for a few seconds.. how to find a plausible reason for that anyway.

Oh I can imagine this part of the conversation.. people don't realize the drawback of tattoos..see, when you get old..the skin..its not as tight as it used to be... poor dragon is destined to look like a 3 year old's drawing.


Muchh baai? means shut up? well well... I learned something new here. Am going to use this one. MUCHH BAAI!


I don't know if I can take it on a daily basis, but sometimes I feel it would be cool to spend a few hours with a mom like yours..it would be a brilliant culture clash.
You might want to avoid showing her the episode of friends where phoebe is pregnant with her brother's babies...


awaiting next post.

Malaveeka said...

Fren, u r bitr.

santosh said...

Great writing... will stop by more often. you write more often monkeyman.

love and squalor said...

that was hilarious!
and my mom keeps muttering a variation of the last line: narayana, vasudeva...I wonder what the mom's of the girls that get dragon tramp stamps mutter.

manuscrypts said...

hmm, would be difficult to track on western loos, but must do before drawing conclusions... :D

narendra shenoy said...

"Hip Grandma"! Cool, my man! I would pay to read your blog!

Anki said...

u crack me upp

do well

Spunky Monkey said...

Hello babies. Hope you are doing well, all of you. Hope this new year hasn't eaten you all up, made you wanna contemplate suicide, kill the Vice Chancellor, tear someone's hair and put their head in the pot and all that.

Now for the Hey-hos.

Wanderlust - How do you know when I have posted? I just checked, and am not on your blogroll either. Do you have some notification thingy? All you techno-dhinchak people no, too mechh.
Folks in astrologically incompatible marriages produce very bright kids. I should know.
I used to live in Jayanagar. But not near Madhavan Park.

Anon - The South Indian Way Of Life isn't some specific Hamish type living, alright? We just choose to Ayyo Ayyo a lot, use coconut from hair to food, decorate everything from foreheads to frontyards, and generally look down upon those Naarthies. That's all.
All blurkers come out no? It's really not as hard as it sounds. You don't have to say, "Okay I admit it; I have the hots for Hrithik Roshan". No. Just tell name etc. I'd love to know about all of you.

AP - I know, the difference between waking up and getting up is severe shortage in attendance in OB-G.
Bio-energy ads? Not here in Karnataka. Kerala must be a fun place to live in.
I might just turn up there for a vacation sort later this year.

Thomas d'Souza - Book deal? You know someone in publishing? Send them my way. I'll give you ten rupiss commission.

Siri or The Girl Who Knows My Name - Grossa? Nija. It is unfortunate how lack of censorship on the blogging platform allows one to purge with impunity (daridra pun-u). Barkha Dutt, where are you?

Prats - The grandfathers have always congregated near Arya Bhawan. Like, since forever. They will glare you down in the manner of Doorvaasa if you took their seats there.
Oh you have been to Ragigudda also? Whatte temple it is. With waterfall and all!

BD - Why Hemalatha miss? You had crush type thing on her? OR, one can always get a tattoo of the phrase Pearly Gates.

Burpoid - Loka was on FIRE yesterday in that film, imploring local goddess Maarikaamba to bring his estranged son back from the dead.
If Amma comes to know of this blog and its contents, thet's it. A, she will tell the world about it. B, the cousins I speak of will then murder me.
I really do not want to respond to that last line. :P

Cappuccino song - I am listening to that one right now.
Thank you thank you. Am beetroot. Bite me.

I love lucy - Now every mother in Bangalore is on her way to becoming refractory to dressing patterns. I will not be surprised if one day Amma spots a woman walking on the road in a bikini and instead of going Ayyo Ayyo she goes "Hmm, yellow is really not her color".
Exams ond thara Hindenburg aaythu biDi. Aa vishaya bEDa.

Rustyneurons - Thank you, thank you. Those unfamiliar number plates? Some of them could be monkey's kin.

Moody Crab - THREE EAR PIERCINGS? What are you, a pincushion? But wow, really.

Spunky Monkey said...

La vida loca - Lolz? Thnx.

Poojitha - Long list of fans my ass. They are all vanishing. I am forver doing Kate Winslet. Come back, come back.

Fan - Thank you. My mother is a very insightful woman.

Renovatio - Yes, any crap would do good to observe the Monkey's Method of eliciting Climatic Hyperthermia.

Neel - Yes it is. Thanking the fucking lord may be a bad idea. Partypoopers, He does not take kindly to.

Anon - Yes-a? Okay, what is my best then?

Tys - Hot shit, eh? Thengyoo thengyoo.

Ziah O Ziah O Ziah kuchh bol do - Peeing isn't as fiery. Although that can be because fluid compression isn't as much as a high pressure zone as semi-solid crap compression. Physics and Biology are all neighbours.

M - My friends think I am pathetic. Exams over. I was fucked.

Arjun - Thanks man. I personally thought people would go, Yappa what nonsense.

Opaline - That would be a specific brand of Amma tongue. Predominantly Kannada. And hey, new reader. Welcome.

Thinking Aloud - You aren't in Bangalore? I just assumed you were. Bangalore is getting better weatherwise. The sun is visible these days in the mornings.

Spunky Monkey said...

Spock - Thank you.

Hershey - Friends referencing is very commonplace. And why not. The first few seasons were the best television anyway.
I stand by every word of the Indian Toilet Superiority. And if you do want to throw up, what is the sink for? Or disgusting friends, for that matter.
The dragon is your favorite creature? Wow, I have never had the imagination to call a fictional animal my favorite. Mine have always been the elephant and tiger. Visible, huge and there.
AND,
My mother is no alien species or exchange student from hinterland Burkina Faso; so, it's not really as "weird" as you might be thinking. Or, may be you are upstate New York.

Malaveeka - Y u say?

Santosh - Thanks.

Love and Squalor - Which one of you is which one? Are you Esme? And thank you.

Manuscrypts - Heh!

Narenda Shenoy - Aww, aren't you sweet. Thank you so much. But really, would you? I could really do with some money. I am flat broke.

Ankita Sharma - Thank you very much.

Dahl's confectioners said...

Greetings,

Since you have not updated your blog for exactly 34.43532 hours now, your membership is placed under official review. We urge you to address the issue at once.
*places gun at monkey's temple*

Have a nice day.
Thank you

Signed
Sleepy Caeser's Fans Inc

[:P]

wanderlust said...

spunky,
i use google reader. awesome app it is.. try it no.. http://google.com/reader
apart from that, im so mega jobless inspite of having every possible load on my poor shoulders... the worries simply bounce off my numb skull, so i keep checking google reader for updates on who's blogged in the five minutes it took me to read my mail. (and then i check for who's mailed me in the fifteen minutes it took to read blogs...the answer as we all know is a spammer)... phew! engg life is so tiring!

adrian said...

Excellent. Now write a new post soon...

Spunky Monkey said...

Dahl's Confectioner - Sleepy Caesar is varry funny. And, new post is up. Uff, I am not going to die.

Priya - It is, isn't it? And I shall try this Google reader thing too.

Adrian - There it is. I blame you for the ugliness this latest post is.

priya said...

look at what you've done.. deleted that post!

Siri said...

yen sire? Heege Kaii koDtira? Che!

Anki said...

why my full name

$%^*&*(()(#$@@!

Anonymous said...

New post please. It's time. Almost a month and all...

Spunky Monkey said...

Priya and Siri - That post was yembraasing. Sumne I had geechd off something. So deleted.
Don't feel like typing anything these days (typing being my brand of writing). May be I need to go off on some holiday and get stuck in high tension diplomacy crisis. Nothing short of that would impress.

Anki - There. Happy?

Anon - Yaaawn.

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bangalore said...

The way you have written is great man keep it up, but where did you mention about buttcracking tatoos?

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