Thursday, November 15, 2007

My Bangalore. My memories.

Vomit. And bucketfuls of it.
Strangely enough, the earliest memory of the city I love so dearly is inexplicably entwined with retrograde bowel movements and a tired sphincter.
I have not lived all my life in Bangalore; it's been more of an acquired taste. Until 1998, I lived in a small town not too far from Bangalore. But we trekked to old 'Lore very religiously every week, for the city was home to 3000 of our relatives and it was routine that somebody got engaged/married/(and hence) knocked up/gave birth/died/bought really orange carrot that we HAD to see/killed a baby cockroach and needed us for moral support. So, we invariably huffed and puffed our way into what was then an idyllic sleepy town, in red KSRTC buses which invariably also had a myriad of vomit streaks (which were invariably yellow in color, thus establishing itself as Kannadiga vomitus, you know red-yellow-Sirigannadam-Gelge) and reeked of a smell I couldn't quite describe earlier, but have now come to place as a cross between the smell of the room of a hosteler friend (who I believe is hydrallergic what with his steadfast refusal to get self/his clothes anywhere near water) and the Alcohol Dependent patients' room in the Psychiatry ward. Suffice to say it didn't quite work up an appetite. Or successfully destroyed one when you watched a particularly sulky child (invariably dressed in blue chaddies) showed his mummy, right on her lap, that he did eat the good vegetables. Vicious cycle it used to set up, this vomiting.
Especially during the season of the Flat Beans.

Now that's a fancy name for what is otherwise a Kannadiga obsession called Avarekaai. During this season housewives across Karnataka, an otherwise staid state, go into a MAD frenzy.
"Next door Lalitamma has already bought three kilos of avarekaai and has sent Bujji and Babu (it was a predominantly Telugu town) avarekaai uppitt and avarekaai chakli for lunch. Ree, I also want. I WANT. I want thirty kilos of the Good Stuff. I want to make huLi, saaru, payasa, uppittu, roTTi, dosa, idli, chakli, palya, kosambari, pasta, lasagna, pizza, rice, water...everything. If you don't bring tomorrow me-e-eans...", wives would threaten their husbands. It was an ego issue, see.

So, amma got into Bean Crazy mode too, and cooked a meal that redeemed the existence of species Vicia faba. But then, so had every mother aboard the bus we had taken to complete our weekly rite of passage, which is the whole point of bringing up the avarekaai anyway. So, you know, the legumes have a way of metamorphosing themselves into gases of near lethal nature once down the alimentary tract. And that's what did happen to all boys in blue chaddies in that red bus, I assume. (Not me, certainly not. Really, no. Oh god, enough with the third degree). The bus and its Boys in Blue Chaddies (BBC's) worked up a thorough sweat, what with all the combustion, and the olfactory byproduct of it all came and hit my all too unsuspecting nose in a manic flourish thus also tagging itself to my earliest memory of Bangalore.
That of me vomiting many bucketfuls of all things Avarekaai on the platform under the very questioning eyes of the Bangalore populace. (Jeez, can't a kid take a puke without you getting all judgmental?)
I think I passed out soon after due to all the dehydration, or may be amma in a fit of estrogen rush said, "The poor thing, ate too much avarekaai and couldn't handle. He likes it so much means, I must make more". (Yeah, that must be it.)

To avoid the whiff of the netherworld was perhaps why I would always insist on sitting by the window, face thrown to the wind (and sometimes vomit of the Boys in Blue Chaddies sitting in seats in front of mine), hair all aflutter and eyes fixed on a distant hill that would give me the whole to-be-Vivekananda type aura. Only, they would soon shift focus and fall on things that embarrassed amma so much that she still has nightmares about it.
Now what would they be?
As a child I had an eye for details, apparently. Medical education has successfully blinded it, paradoxically enough. Now this eye for detail, and a very loud mouth coupled with an insatiable thirst to read out loud, any and every banner on the street, used to put my parents under sufficient discomfort; enough for them to contemplate slipping a sedative in my Frooti just as we entered the city.
"Liburrty shooos, Gaardunn saareees, Windsurrr Maanurr" etc they handled with practised aplomb, beaming, as a mother of a vomit-faced BBC showered admiring glances on their Little Prodigy, barely five. But I would soon drain the color on their face when I insisted, in masterful enunciation, on expounding the attractions of a certain-

"Mullikk Disss-penn-saaree - Fawr. Awl. Seks. Prawblums"
"Appaaa, seks andre Enu?"
(Appaaa, wot is seks?)

At which point the mother of the BBC would giggle uncontrollably, all passengers would look at us in anticipation of The Answer, appa would start saying the Mantra Pushpam under his breath, amma disowning her Little Prodigy would look 180 degrees away and fix gaze on the vomit-faced BBC, and the vomit-faced BBC would continue to look, well, vomit-faced. (Yeah, some things never change)

"Appaaaa, seks andre ENU?"
("Something you would not have had even when you are 21", he should have said, but my father is a nice man)
"Heyy, all nODu, Alankar Plaza! Joker nOD alli! Aamel hogaNa? Good boy."
(Hey, look there, Alankar Plaza! Look at the Clown there! Let's go there later? Good boy.")

My father has long since perfected the art of anticlimax. Our eager audience would vouch for it too, and then would let out the disgruntled clucks.

Having successfully dodged the Dispensary bomb, the parents would regain their composure and try and wake Brother S (I make him sound Jesuit) who, being the Wise One, found solace in bus journey siestas, as we neared the KSRTC bus stop. But the composure wouldn't last until long, for they always forgot that just around the corner was Sangam theater!
Now, Sangam (which is currently a mall. Thoo) was this cinema that was famous among pimple-faced people for being The Place for "A-Certificate Inglees Phillums". And it used to, like all cinemas do, have large posters. Only they showed women bearing cleavages that bared, and men and women engaged in various erotic postures, which for some reason invoked inexplicable peals of laughter in me. I thought they were funny! Amid all the laughter, I would of course proceed to read the name of the film.
"Kisss thaa misss", which would have made Udayakumari Miss so proud she would have jumped and planted a wet one on me cheek. No, she was no pedophile. Cheh. She'd just be proud of the sing-song intonation (Kisss thaa misss - crescendo, de-crescendo) that Nursery teachers strive for.

"Sek-see Lipsss. Appa, seks-u, sek-see andre mix-u, mixie tharana?"

("Sek-see Lipsss. Appa, are seks and sek-see like mix and mixie?")

"Ayyo, muchcho baai praarabdha. Dharma sankata. Haakree ondu avan baay mElE, naalaayak tandu", Amma would tell Appa expressing sheer disgust.
("Oh, shut your face you sin-of-my-past-life. What moral dilemmas you put us through! Give this useless thing one tight rap on the mouth, ree")

Not all my memories of Bangalore are restricted to embarrassed parents and projectile vomiting. There have been some memories stored in easily accessible recesses of my brain which reek nauseatingly of charmed childhood.
Like, while once traveling in the bus, one village woman (paan-stained splendour, unwashed hair, unwashed anything et al) turned to me and said "Yarecutt maaDskabaarden swami?" (Why don't you get a haircut, dude?). About which Brother S makes fun till date.
Like, discovering that mongooses are arch-enemies of the snakes. We should know, our grandmother's house was in an area called Nagarabhavi (Snakes' Well) and mongooses were actually quite common.
Like, peeing on the terrace rain-water drain holes and coming down to look for puddles and to establish that those pipes were indeed patent.
Like, riding the cousin-brother's swanky new bicycle; giving him "chance" to ride all the uphills and taking "chance" to zip down all the dizzy downhills.
Like, playing Name-Place-Animal-Thing with assortment of cousins and convincing them that Kookaburra was a cricket bat and hence a thing, not an animal.
Like, convincing them that "Shagun, yeh shagoooon, mera jeevan ka yeh shagoon" was in fact a song while playing Antakshari. (And pulling the same on bigger stages many years later)
Like, eating Masala Dosa with SO many cousins in Upaahara Darshini in Gandhi Bazaar on Sunday mornings, or better still in Vidyaarthi Bhawan!
Like, going to the Indian Institute of Science's Chemistry Department with a PhD cousin and being freaked out by the liquid Nitrogen.
Like, going to Lal Bagh and saying, "That's all?"
Like, going to MG Road and wondering if this was what "America looked like!"
Like, going to Ranganatha Theatre for Baby's Day Out and feeling happy for a week because they gave us a free book, a pencil AND a pencilbox.
Like, when in Jayanagar, gorging on fancifully titled Dosas in Dosa Camp and topping it off with a Cold Badam Milk in Arya Bhawan.
Like, watching Hum Aapke Hain Kaun in Santosh theater and falling in love with Madhuri Dixit.
Like, watching it again and falling in love with her all over again.
Like, wailing like an uprooted Mandrake at the thought of having to go back home, to small town, to no Upaahara Darshini, to no mongooses, to no Sangam theater.

(Time out: Have to stifle a cry)
(Okay, back)

Bangalore, which is what it will always be to me - UR Anantamurthy may go eat excrement, has changed with me and has watched me change.
It has acquired taller buildings and North Indian oye-yaar-vot-ijeet dumbfucks and moon-sized potholes; and I have acquired longer hair and zit and cynicism.
It has lost its sleepy idyllic charm and its MG Road Boulevard; and I, have lost weight and, er, nothing else besides. (DAMN)
But the equation between the two of us shall remain the same, and unquestionably so. That of it tolerating me, and me it, potholes and oye-yaar notwithstanding.

I thought I would end with a pragmatic quote by the likes of a Proust or a Dickens highlighting the tale of my city. But they all cold-shoulder me currently. However this one doesn't.
Who?
(gulp. ahem)
Bryan Adams.

Here I am, this is me.
There's nowhere else on Earth I'd rather be.

Ah, poetry. Applause, applause.

My dear Bangalore, you may get your Metro (Mattro, for the vot-ijeet crowd) and the Dilli maals and malls; and try and alienate yourself from me.
But always remember, that wherever I may go or choose to live, if there's one place I will always call home, it is you.
Bangalore, Beloved town of Boiled Beans, you will always be special.
(Malik Dispensary included.)

94 comments:

Kavitha said...

"Ayyo, muchcho baai praarabdha. Dharma sankata. Haakree ondu avan baay mElE, naalaayak tandu",

Was the best....

Nice post ...chennagi barediddeeri...

Namma ajji avarekaai kaladalli majjige gu avarekaai hakibidthaare :)

tangled said...

Duuuuuuuuuude.
The transcriptions were amazing.
:D
so funny.

Adorable Pancreas said...

Am I the only 'Kannada gothilla' around? Am I the only person in this universe who has never watched Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, never been to Bangalore, and never vomited on a bus? Shit.

And KSRTC is ours, reds, greens, super fasts, bedbugs in the seats, windshields minus glass, rude conductors and reckless drivers.

Prats said...

heheeh.....thought i'd warn you that you've been tagged at my site...
since you've just graduated into looking out for such stuff

CW said...

You should put up a warning on yr site- Pls do not read during office hours. I tried to control my loud laughter by physically shutting mouth & my neighbours now think I farted.
What's with Blore bloggermen being this funny?? Must be the water, no?

Prats said...

I thought i'll boycott you...thumbha kashTa ...Got my hubby into this and he was like..yeah yeah....I know the Dissspensary ehem...the bus always manages to stop at the signal just next to it...eeeks....
But you have given me the next line I say to my son who does this emba-raasing antics in my life...may your appa's tribe increase...
"Avarekkai sulidumele..sippena roadnalle haakbeku....dhrishti yella doora agathe" Did u know that????

But like you said..Bagalore is what has made me too and I can't let go,
I'll take the avarekkai uppittu, rotti, saaru, huLi, dose, halwa, chakli, usli, bath...yella ...

SirigannaDam gelge

Thinking aloud said...

thanks to prats for directing me here..and i was laughing out loud and thank god noone's arnd else they wld have thought i had gone mad...too good, the muccho baai was teh best...

my younger boy is on this curious stage and has me in tenterhooks all the while what he'll say next...

and its a wonder i typed so much 'cos i'm still giggling...

Bikerdude said...

You peed into pipes to test them out? Genius boss.

Go to avrekai meLa at palace grounds! Uyyo what a! Halwa inda shuru maadi muddeyal nilsthaare.

Though my fave is hidhukku beLe saaru. Where some paapadh praani has to indivually squeeze the cotyleadons out of each bean and make one saaru out of it. Slurp

Tys on Ice said...

man and I thought the only thing bangalore was gud for is the pubs...now i realize there are other attractions as well...thnks buddy..

we used to ride to bangalore frm manipal ..to us it was the happening place...somehow everything in bangalore looked somehow better....even the girls...now at 38, bangalore is also one home, since wife is frm there...

tied it all up, smart, eh?

an admirer said...

You say you are 21 and you write sooo well. Wonder how you will write ten years hence. I am sure all of us want to knoe too.
Keep the Good Stuff coming!!

Chai said...

Kandaa, kannalli neer tharisi bitte, vomit bagge maataadi.

All through my childhood i have been forced onto those horrible red & yellow buses by my khharab appa-amma! I have puked gloriously along the mangalore-madikeri ghats. Sisya, vaanti maadiday maadiddu! Konegay nithranadinda electral kudidu, kusidu narali gnana tappi bilthidday!

Devru nimage volledu maadali. Have said it before, repeating again - you are a rockstar writer!

innyaaru? nin compulsive nitpicker-ey. said...

nice possht.
very vivid vanti descriptions.

AnSVad said...

Awesome description as usual dude. Reminded me of all my trips from Hosur to Bangalore on red KSRTC buses. Yeah, I stayed at Hosur briefly and made weekend trips to Bangalore every weekend too...

And the thing about Malik dispensary! LOL! Still makes me giggle when I go past it on my numerous trips from Bangalore to S'kal.

Sreejith said...

this post of so full of puke.. good kind of crap though :D kookaburra eh..i've been caught using that one. btw i've figured out that this blog is a great way for me to learn kannada :) mast hadidiri... ok fine write more and i'll perfect it!

Anonymous said...

OMG, this was brilliant stuff. Just what do you eat? Now I wanna puke too.

priya said...

wow, and i thought i was the only kid who had to make puky bus trips every weekend (though in my case it was from the city to the outskirts), and kept reading out loud all through the way.
an abiding memory that comes to me is"
"amma, amma, what is VD?" in an extremely loud voice, on seeing the many clinics that advertized solutions for "skin and vd problems".
and vot-ijeet.... why can't every bimaru smalltown have its own call center for godsake?

Arjun Sharma said...

He he, sikkapatte channagide. And like kavitha said, the 'Ayyo, muchcho baai praarabdha. Dharma sankata. Haakree ondu avan baay mElE, naalaayak tandu' bit is the best. Bleddi, you had me laughing for ten minutes at that.

I don't like Bangalore as much now as I did a year ago. But even now, when I visit Malleshwaram or Rajajinagar between 3 in the afternoon and 5 PM, it still reminds me of the Bangalore I grew up in. A nicer, happier, more laidback city.

Shit, you actually got the free notebook, pencil AND pencilbox?? Our teachers refused to take us to 'Baby's day out' and instead took us to something called 'Magic coat' in Puttanna theatre. And we didn't get anything. Thu.

Brilliant post, Mr Monkey. Very nostalgia-and-all.

I never asked my parents about seks.

Olorin said...

Brilliant post. Have been reading your blog for sometime , have to say it's some of the best stuff I've read on the net. Had me clutching my sides with laughter.

Siri said...

Namaskara maado antha vishaya:

1)*avrekalu in everything come avrekalu season, even payasa also* joke is so old, i;m convinced you are not you but my perverse-joke-pulling grand aunt posing as a young innocent boy of 21.

2)You haven't lost your eye for detail sir.
If i observed right, Malik sex clinic and alankar plaza came on the same line like they come in the same area :O both before traffic jams. (National market has DVDs for dirt cheap)

3)As for taboo, or more colloquially ashhhooooo-level-words, I realised that the Deccan Herald foreign news page was not just for asshhooo level stuff(like now for example when they write about Scarlett Johannson's waist size, and who replaces which living being as the sexiest person alive, two months after the previous one was crowned.)

4)One extra salute for mentioning URA. one more B*****D

Siri said...

Avarekkai sulidumele..sippena roadnalle haakbeku....dhrishti yella doora agathe" Did u know that????

Sorry, couldn't resist. ^This is sooo true... walking used to be dangerous those days. Pachakk!

Anonymous said...

praarabdha

pavithra said...

"Praarabdha, esht channaag bariyatte nodree ee mundedu!" is what your mummy will say when she knows you write so well.
Why don't you go and do an all-out angrezi post cos I have noticed your english is bloody brilliant.

Jimmy said...

Sir,
I am Jimmy Jacob from Bangalore Mirror. May we carry this post in our `Bloggers Park' column? It would be carried in two parts so it can be accommodated in its entirety.
Thank you

AlterinG Abhishek said...

gosh how vividly u write!!

priya said...

ha, there you go! your share of fame!
bangalore mirror asking to reproduce your article!
in two parts, that too! wonder how that's gonna be managed.. imo, this one is to be enjoyed in its entirety, all at one shot.

Bikerdude said...

Arre waah by brether! Only the Benglur Mirror and all. Yen-Jaay I tell you.

Seriously though, ask Jimmy uncle if you can write off for them only no? Full asset to Mirror you will be.

Spunky Monkey said...

@ Jimmy -

Sure, go ahead and carry the post. Many thank yous, first of all.

But do get back to me at-

comeletshavefun at gmail dot com

Anki said...

I proud to say oye yaar
#%^&*&%^@@

your fan said...

Excellent post. Congrats about going to be published in Bangalore Mirror. Very cool.
I will definitely buy both the days' copies.

Sindhu said...

i have never ever enjoyed a post this much!!!! many many hugs and that wet 1 i shall plant :-* loved the post.. so very adorable. thank you!

Malaveeka said...

Very nice Spunky. You have out diding yourselves.

I used like Bangalore a lot. Now I have begun to like it all over again.

P.S. Arjun likes Delhi. :)

Malaveeka said...

And you are very adorable even though you are a rascist pig.

:)

priya said...

i think Spunky is adorable because he is a racist pig. you dont come across such irreverence very often in this age of overwhelming political correctness. and that, i guess, strikes a chord in some/most of us, though we might not want to admit that, and give credit only to his writing skills.

Anki said...

oh hoo... i m so not offended... still lovin u n ur b'lore arrogance

was just tryin to b witty... given ur popularity.. just trying to imprass u n all that n that

all or nothing said...

CW said...
You should put up a warning on yr site- Pls do not read during office hours. I tried to control my loud laughter by physically shutting mouth & my neighbours now think I farted.
What's with Blore bloggermen being this funny?? Must be the water, no?


STOLE MY WORDS!
I've never laughed more at a post in my life. Super :D

Adorable Pancreas said...

Whoa! Way to go, Spunky!

Madhumita. said...

Split my sides reading this. Tys directed me to your post and I'm thumba glad I got here ... I'm from Bangalore as well and am still grinning at the Sangam theatre and dispensary bits.

Btw, I would kill for Averekai saaru living in godforsaken UAE - am only sorry that I didn't give the great bean its due when all the neighbourhod aunties were sending it home in every which form.

Great post :-D

suburbangrump said...

Was planning to write long ecstatic post on blr and how I cant wait to get there in december. Will seem quite redundant now.

camphor said...

Mine are more ... recent memories.. and most of them involve horrible traffic.

But I am in love with IISc. And the warren that is Malleshwaram. I'm told that it is a place where the 'old' bangalore lives still...

Malaveeka said...

Ooh. All girls like spunky.

achilles said...

Brilliant stuff.
When is this coming on Bangalore Mirror? Any ideas?

Sandeep said...

Loved the post, made me nostalgic and all that.

I miss avarekalu huli so, so much.

Really nice post dude.

neel said...

Hey, was just stopping by.... and got stuck to ur blog, and have been reading it like i gulped down the entire set of Asterix at one go many (many) years ago.... take a bow...
and yeah... the entire thing reminds me of that American series, Wonder Years. only funnier.
Keep writing

Anonymous said...

Seems too much to ask, but we need an update RIGHT NOW! This was very nice stuff man. Keep it up and coming.

Tapan Gehlot said...

Like that extremely stupid McDonald's ad says, all I can say is I'm lovin' it!!
Too much. Too good!!

Anonymous said...

Look at all the smitten kittens wanting to plant wet ones and all, How can you complain about not getting any you closet prude!
- you ll still know who

Anonymous said...

i hope the comment-limit hasn't been exceeded! brilliant post! u shd've been a bit older:( not a b'glorean or an avarakai fan, but i don't think i can ever eat that vegetable again!

Prats said...

Praarabdha!!!!! Full fan list joradhmele, updates bariyodhu antha plans???

Malaveeka said...

New post pleeze.

Thinking aloud said...

hey now that this piece has gone all around teh world..(i've frowarded it to a few myself :)

waiting for next edition!!!

somebody who is pissed off said...

I want you to write about really unprofessional people. Rant to your heart's content. I shall enjoy it muchly as I am faced these days with the most pissing off people that walked the earth. It's really quite exasperating. ARGH. I hate them.

nickname said...

Dude, time for you to write something. seriously.

Spunky Monkey said...

Okay dear children, I have found time to say me Hey-ho's.

Kavitha - Nammamma now also scolds me like this only. I swear. Her biggest pet peeve being that I don't get regular haircuts and look like kaaDpaapa.
Nimmajji biDeepa, avranna legends legionge sErsONa.

Tangled - Thanks many duuuuude.

Pancreas - You have not watched Hum Aapke Hain Koun? Let's reassess the situation.
YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED HUM AAPKE HAIN KOUN?
Wow, all people, say Hi to our first earth adapted Martian, Miss Adorable Pancreas.

Prats - Tag. I guess that only I will do next given how I can think of nothing else to write.

CW - Aww, aren't you kind. But damn, you are now the Office Fart. Sorry dude.
Bangalore bloggers are funny you think? That's because Bunglor mein kuch karne ko hain hee nahin. We sit and plonk wisecracks before the computer while our sufficiently brain deprived Punju brethren from up north go skiing in their Shankar Road Skiing Resort.

Prats Reprisal - Yes, even now the bus stops there. Perhaps a glaring indication to the government to start sex education early on. This man Malik is doing greatesht shoshul service, I tell you.
Yeah yeah, knew all about avarekaai legends. If it did not grease my amma's palms enough, she dismissed it as inferior quality.

Thinking aloud - Oh thank you, you are all too kind, I am telling you. People who know me in real life think I am an idiot, so it is wonderful to know that at least in the virtual world, I am thought of as "interesting".
PLEASE tell your son what sex is before he embarrasses you in front of a whole busload of people. My father, poor man, is still traumatized.

BD (jalaile jigar se piya) - Oh yeah, I peed and peed. Enough for people to call me Peeday.
Anyway, why palace grounds man? Namma Ninth Block Jayanagar market has EVERYTHING.
Bangalore South rocks. We are Rockstars. Okay? Okay.

Tys - Brilliant work! Bangalore, of course, is ooh only. As for pubs, I think it's time I confessed. I haven't been to one ever.
And I have drunk about 2.5 microlitre of alcohol. (My cough syrup had more).
(Somebody once told me, my not drinking was very anti my "cool dude" image)
(I said Huh?)
(Anyway)

My admirer person - I am 21, yes. I look 15 on a good day, however. Ten years hence, I will win the Man Booker. Jesht you wait and waach. I am of course hoping they take kindly to fart inducing legumes and vomit faced BBCs.

Chaitanya - You have to accept my apologies. I made someone cry, someone else fart. Chee. Bad manners.
Those Mangalore-Madikeri ghats should all be renamed Elton John-Karan Johar ghats. SO NOT STRAIGHT. Even those Agumbe ones. Bleddy only.
And thank you for being so kind with the compliment. Coming from you, it means WAY more than I choose to let on. So, smiley for you.
=)

Nit-picker - Funny I call myself zit-picker. Whoever you are, if you are hot, we are SO made for each other. Anyway, thanks.

Ansvad - Thank you, thank you. Going to Hosur now would be akin to, um, there's no comparison. As an experience, it is an entity completely unto itself.

Sreejith - Yes, full of crap shite it was. Mast haaDidri is "Sang great"; mast bardiddeeri is "wrote great". Okay?
Now send me my cheque.

Anonymous - I ate Chitranna. Now I want to puke too. Wait, hold it, we'll both go puke on Deve Gowda for being a total bastard.

Spunky Monkey said...

Priya - VD. Yeah, that's a tricky one. Although I have not understood till date why VDs should be grouped with Dermatology. OB-G, Andrology, I understand. But why poor dermat, I don't know.
Talking about beemaru smalltowns, why not a post about these ungrateful North Indian vot ijeet types I am thinking. Bleddy, block our traffic and our drains.

Arjun - Malleshwaram has become way too hep and all. Not to my liking. What's WITH a Cafe Coffee Day in every corner eh? One day, I'll write off massive rant about how I ABHOR coffeeshops. Stupid wannabe-Friends.
Real Bangalore is, like my appa says, in Chamrajpet and Basavangudi. I agree also.
Yes, we got all those; I was the talk of the town for the longest time when I went back to school. "Baybees Dayy Owwt baax noDidya Spunky Monkey hattra. Whooooa, sakkhattagide", those kids went. That film was on TV earlier tonight.
Not too late, go ask them now about seks.

Olorin - Tried making all sorts of anagrams of your name. Stopped at L.Noori. Oooh.
Thank you.

Siri -
1. Yes, I am that aunt and I know what you did last summer.
2. Nor have you, I see. National Market is legendary, but of course.
3. Oh, keep your DH trash to yourself. We are true Bangalore Times fans. We know all about Shefali Zariwala and her thong. Scarletto, O'Harano, maNN tinnli.
4. Yes yes, he is fast becoming the Mahesh Bhatt of Bangalore. Has an opinion (THOROUGHLY UNWARRANTED, and more often than not, inarticulate) on everything, including Shefali Zariwala's thong. So, he bastard. (But then you have to love his Samskaara, Ghatashraaddha etc)

anon 2 - You also. Who you?

Pavithra - I just let slip to her the other day that I write and that what I write is quite famous, she was like all mystified and wondered if I had written anything incriminating about the Brahmin way of life. I was like, "Che che, noo noo". (They'll kill me if they discover this blog, I swear)
You want a comprehensive English language post with ostentatious and vainglorious display of my English prowess eh?
Hog hogree.
But thanks very much. My English is bloody brilliant, antha namm English teacheroo hELtiddru.

Jimmy - God knows when you are going to publish it, if at all. When you do, please to let me know. Two parts! Whew me.

Abhishek - I am most curious about your picture. What is it?
Thank you.

Priya - Yay, come I will geev aatograaf. Don't know how they'll manage which is probably why they haven't published yet. Actually I don't know, I haven't checked the paper yet.

BD - Ooh, asset only I will be. Whattay. Funny how I neither have an ass nor a set. I can moonlight as- an ET, however.

To self - Seriously, what were you thinking? Comeletshavefun and Spunky Monkey? Seriously.

Anki - #%^&*&%^@@. Yay, I said it too! Very Proud also. 3567865622.

My fan - Coola? Okay. First, let Jimmy the kid tell me, then I will tell you.

Sindhu - Why, thank you. My zits are very happy about the wet one.

Malaveeka - I like Dilli too. Nice place with slightlly weird people it is. I am racist pig. Cool name it is.

Priya - Irreverence has landed me in SO much trouble, I don't know where to begin. But it is reassuring to know that at least somewhere it is adored!

Anki - Aap toh imprass kar hee chukee ho, Anki-ji. Waise aap kya thode kam popplar ho? Aapke poetry ke toh bahut log deewane hain.

Chai Paani - Thanks and how the hell are you, by the way? Don't know why, but some days ago, felt like talking to you.

AP - Thenngyoo thenngyoo.

Spunky Monkey said...

Madhumita - Husband and wife bloggers. Way cool!
Thank you so much, Mrs Ear-eater! :D

Grump - Oh, write away. Different perspective from someone who has grown up elsewhere and has only come here to study, is always interesting.

Camphor - IISc is lovely already. A lovely person I know lives there.

Malaveeka - All cool girls put your hands up and say,
Om Spunky Om.

Achilles - NO idea. Ask Jimmy the kid, or tell me yourself if you spot it.

Sandeep - Thanks man. I assume you are living away from India now?

Neel - Funnier than Wonder Years? Whoa! Thanks many.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE Asterix (the comics, that is).
(Asterix is gay, you all know no?)
(Why am I outing so many people today?)
I consumed them all in one go too, on the computer, that too!

anon 3 - Yes, update will come. Exams on.
(But look, how much I have been writing here! My medicine paper was disastrous, by the way)

Tapan Gehlot - Thanks.

Hollaback girl - I am prude only no? Thoo. But i don't blink an eyelid while taking menstrual history. I swear. AND, I have elicited exposure history TWICE! Ooh only.

Anon 4 - There's no limit to comments. If I had been older, what would have happened? I AM DYING TO KNOW. AND WHO ARE YOU?
(Too many anonymous people)

Prats - Examsu ree, adond nann praarabdha. I am like Aarati singing "Kathe hELuve, nanna kathe hELuve" in Naagarahaavu. Full vyathe only it is.

Malaveeka - There is just one post in all of November no? I am a little bit ashamed, I tell you.

Thinking aloud - You are my publicity manager for if and when I write a book, okay?

pissed off guy - I will; I am dealing with a few who are JUST like that too.

Nickname - Yeah dude. Seriously.

neel said...

Hey, thats not true... he did fall for Pancea... but then again we are taking about 50 BC Rome... stranger things did happen

Spunky Monkey said...

Coincidence, I am right here.
But, wasn't it Obelix who had the biggest crush on Panacea? As far as I remember, there has never been a romantic angle shown in Asterix's life.
Asterix was short, hung out only with his fat friend from childhood, never once did have an affair, was witty and clever AND was French. You do the math.
But then again, 50 BC Gaul must be stranger.

Malaveeka said...

I'm sorry. Cool girls would never say that how much ever in love they were with you.

Neither would I.

spunky monkey said...

I am sorry ya. OBG rubs that way.
Very tired and bored I am.
Signing in is a bitch.

neel said...

it was... and yes... Obelix was the one to have a crush to begin with... but if u remember the last page.... it was asterix all smitten atop a tree while others were hogging away to glory... :)

neel said...

and look where this conversation is going... discourses... i ask you!

Siri said...

Totally. Mahesh Bhatt and URA. Well said monkey! Amma, who is quite the Kannada idealist, hates URA cos' of all the 'venom spewing at Brahmins' he supposedly does in Samskaara.
I am the praaverbial prodigal daughter. The last Kannada book I read was....ermm...

But I'm *trying*. I read at least 2-4 gossip columns in the Vijaya Karnataka movie supplement every week.

Lol. So what does URA says about Shefali's thong? "it wasn't even there...It was just sewn in for *the effect*" is what she said about it if I remember right.

The best time to watch ETV news was when URA filed for that RS seat. People were referring to him as "Hucchnaayi", "Ghatasarpa" and suchlike. All poets and philosophers mind you! Too much fun it was. Also, the shit he spoke on all those Panel discussions on IBN!Arrgh!

Spunky Monkey said...

Neel - Yes, good. Had forgotten, which reminds me that I should read them again. It's been a while.

Siri - There is enough venom in Ghatashraaddha too. That is, if its English translation wasn't diluted. (:P) But that should not take away my Kannada reading abilities. I have read at least 3 books by SL Bhyrappa. Him being the Family Favorite Author and all.
Talking of him, the most interesting "buddhijeevi"(sic) mudslinging happened between URA and people who appreciated Bhyrappa's latest, Aavarana. Vijaya Karnataka ran reams of it.
As for me, I thought Aavarana was a good book.

Jux said...

I have zilch idea. I thought Matadaana was a nice movie though.

Anonymous said...

WRITE A NEW POST DAMMIT.

Bikerdude said...

Lei goobcity down townu. Hosdhaag enadru bariyo. Comment mel comment hodediddu saaku.

AlterinG Abhishek said...

@ my picture..
:P
smiled and looked at the pic again before answering)

:))
its s pic of my jeans, that is all..
and well lets not go further about where et al...

Spunky Monkey said...

Jux - Haven't seen Matadaana. Shameful on my part, I swear.

anon - Yes man, it is coming up. LOOOONG it is.

BD - It just goes to establish that I like dialogue compared to soliloquies. I am more Socrates-ian (is there an adjective to this?) than you think. Harrumph.

Abhishek - Achcha. I thought it was your version of the Rolling Stones cover of Sticky Fingers. Minus significant details, of course, thankfully enough! =)

Bit Hawk said...

Nice post. Loved your blog very much. You have been bookmarked!

Spunky Monkey said...

Bit hawk - I love the name. There's a dear friend who insists on anglicizing Kannada too. And thank you very much for stopping by, and bookmarking me.

fan said...

This was brilliant man! A most wonderful post you have written about Bangalore. Very best writing.

Spunky Monkey said...

Oh, thank you. Hadn't noticed this at all.

Anonymous said...

As a south banglorean brahmin myself, i can relate to almost all that u say...hail spunky monkey!!!

Spunky Monkey said...

Extend right hand, I say. But I swear, I have two balls. Really.

Anonymous said...

funny. i wanted a pet pig, googled 'pet pigs bangalore' and this showed up.

jus me... said...

Bangalore in english, bengaluru in kannada... all we could afford for a tea for a buck on the MG Road Boulevard and we thot we were cool n intellectual...
u captured it pretty well... the dosas to the pizzas...
will anything bring the ol bangalore back? :-)

bangalore said...

You are feeling very touchy about bangalore.....

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