Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Heyy naati...

One of the more important aspects of psychological development, they tell us, is Associative Learning. (No, this is no nerd talk; read on, premature ejaculator). One of the better known forms of this Associative Learning is Classical Conditioning/Pavlovian Conditioning. You all know about the famous dog that drooled all over the place every time that man with a doormat for a beard decided to get the bell to go 'Tink!'

(Yes, that one.)

We, much like the dog, react by association. Much like the dog, or more perhaps, is the case of a friend who looks like she consumed an overdose of Organophosphorus poison every time *Johnny Depp* is mentioned. So much so, i expect a newspaper mentioning him, to be sodden wet in her hands. (Even if it carried his obituary.)
The same goes with most guys i know when mention is of Salma Hayek and Most People Her Kind. Keira Knightley somehow gets involved in all this too, but one must remember a good face can attract. Occassionally.

So, you get the drift. Association.

I grew up associating things as well, like most normal human beings.
(Only, my mother thinks i was some kind of a whizkid, hardly normal. Aww. Reminds one of that proverb in Kannada that goes 'HettOrge heggaNa muddu, kaTTkonDOrge kODangi muddu', roughly meaning parents love their children even if they turned out to be gutter scrounging ugly black fat rats. Awww.)
Mom's flaring nostrils meant, 'man, am i getting flayed today.'
An aunt meant, duck for cover.
A neighbor meant, get your handkerchief out/be prepared to hold breath for all the time he is around.
Among other such associations,

Silk Smitha meant, sex.
Disco Shanti meant, SEX.
THAT, is the point of today's post.

Silk Smitha and Disco Shanti and their Pavlovian Influences on my Understanding of Sex.

Now, for those of you with refined tastes and Mozart for lullabies, an introduction to these curiously named entities is, ahem, sine qua non.
They were my association to, er, 'leave the room'.
Why?,
because parents grudge their children a view of the greener, meaner side.
These two women, these two healthy buxom women, these two healthy buxom lustrous-eyed women, apparently, induced 'wrong thoughts' in our innocent-as-a-fawn minds. Bah.

Anyway, just WHO are these two women? Well.
These two women happen to be the ULTIMATE item girls. Divas in their own right. (Mallika Sherawat, go jump in a dry well, or get some more silicone.) They managed to titillate all of South India for more than two decades, with movies running solely because of their 5-minute show of cleavage and hyper-kinetic pelvic thrusts. And they did it with so much aplomb. Hideous wigs, godawful Amrapali costumes, Srirampur graveyard dance-steps notwithstanding. Every time they entered the frame, the atmosphere turned electric. Palpable sexual tension. No knife sharp enough. Sample a few.

Situation 1 :
A bleeding hero would be tied up in the cool looking multicolored dungeon of the pipe-smoking villain, with the hero's mother and his love interest generally thrashing about. Why? Because they could never get their figures to look half as oooh as our lady Silk Smitha's, who would have emerged from god knows where, in a blond wig and a red sequin nano-skirt, with her 3-inch long RED fingernails tracing the hero's amply ketchup stained pectorals. And, always grooving to a song whose beat went more often than not, ding-chakk-digi-digi-chakk.
And the lyrics, something like, 'Silku, silku, silku, mysooru silku silku...'.

Situation 2 :

Another less climactic situation would include Vajramuni or some such son of Satan trying to score with our lady Disco, also known as The Original Thunder Thighs. She wasn't much of a talker though. Most she was required to say was, 'hehehehe, youu youu naati baay, heheheheh'. And make those righteous noises, from within bitten lips, that went, 'haaaaan...haaaaan'.

Situation 3 :
Disco/Silk in a saree, flowers in head, child in arms, crying her sexy lungs out. And telling a patriarch type character that the father of the child was 'none other than your son', the hero. Just when you thought the world had wronged our lady, she'd appear before a vile-looking man and say in that husky voice, 'Baass, work over'. The man would then utter an all encompassing Muahhahahaha. The camera would then pan to the fiery eyes of a taxidermic cheetah, that being the chosen item of interior decoration of the 80's villain. (Have you ever wondered why? I have.)
And then for the coup de grace, by the time the camera
could pan back to Disco, she would have cast her saree off like it gave her a bad skin reaction, and greet us in a characteristic two piece!

Other such situations convinced me almost hypnopedically that these women meant sex. (These two, by the way, were invariably called Rosee, Daali, or just Baybeee)
Every time i was asked to leave the room, or the channel was changed, my rather diseased brain would weave scenarios involving the two. The background music to it was always the 'haaaan, naati' which would repeat in untiring cycles.
I would think that Disco Shanti would cook also in leather hot pants and whip people before serving them. And that every one of her sentences would end with her biting her lower lip to the point that it bled. You know, like, 'The keyboard *hussky voice* i type on, is... black', and then bite her lips.
(Yeah, i was a rather prurient, gutterboy type in my childhood.)

These association type characters always leave indelible marks on one's psyche. Which was probably why i was rather sad when Silk Smitha died some years ago. Committed suicide, that one. Sad sad. One only hopes she is doing the 'heyy naati' routine to all those Indra type lascivious characters up there.

As for Disco, i hear she got married (to a Telugu villain, no less) and settled for a life that does not quite involve leather chaddis and whips (it perhaps does, who knows?)

And those of you who have not quite known the magic of these two, i suggest you stop by some regional channels sometimes. (It wouldn't give an abscess in your angrezi-fied kewl butts.)

They truly don't make 'em like these two anymore.
Yo Silk! Yo Disco!

26 comments:

Sandeep said...

I can totally relate to what you're saying dude. Nice post!

Malaveeka said...

:)

Loved it.

My earliest memory was when we went to Goa and I say coupla firangs making out and she was topless.

My strongest memory of that scene were her freckles.

Malaveeka said...

*saw

Perspective Inc said...

Exactly... totally can relate to what you are talking about!Loved the post!

Anonymous said...

SOOOO HILARIOUS!
laughed my guts out, monkey!!
great one, keep writing!

the Monk said...

I haven't heard of this Disco Shanthi female. Silk Smitha, of course, is (Barney-ishtyle) legendary...

Also, what about Shakeela?

tangled said...

:D
hey naati.
love it!

Burpoid said...

If this blogger bitch doesn't post my comment..

(i told you. i LOVE the post.)

Spunky Monkey said...

@Sandeep - Yes, middle class Kannadiga types, more often than not lead similar lives. Thank you for stopping by.

@Malaveeka - Talking of freckles, there was this one chick in that sad excuse for a movie, Love Actually, who had freckles. She cute. I like.
And thank you, Malaveeka,-cute-as-a-child.

@Perspective inc - Glad you liked. Thank you for stopping by.

Spunky Monkey said...

@anonymous - Wish you left your name as well, specially since you chose to be as effusive. I like praise, i do.
Thanks anyways.

@the monk - You don't know Lady Disco? Then you sure had a Tiffany's rattle and Tchaikovsky for lullabies. She was this constant presence through most of my remember-able childhood.
Shakeela is soft porn straightaway man. These women were into erotica type things(?). Although i am told that Silk Smitha starred in what is perhaps the best soft porn film there has been in India.

@Tangled - You write way too little these days. Whatever is up.
Thanks.

@Burpoid - Yes, blogger is a bitch. Thank you Gasmonster. Why the fuck aren't you writing more?

all or nothing said...

BRILLIANT maga.
Every paragraph is a fukkin killer :D
Saxy!

(gutter scrounging ugly black fat rats - these be 'Bandicoots')

get it? get it?

Anonymous said...

An indication of how much Silk meant to us - when she died, we held a one-minute silence in class, all students and one confused teacher included. That sad day...

Spunky Monkey said...

@all or nothing - Thanks ree. I try.
And yes, i get it. Bandicoot, bandicoot. Yes.

@anonymous - Silk rocks. But have you ever wondered what is the point in shutting up for a minute when somebody snuffs it. I have. And i really have got no answers why.

tangled said...

I do, don't I. I've been uninspired.
Update up now, anyhow. :)

tangled said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais.

Kavitha said...

Hillarious write up...I could not stop laughing my heads off man....It actually reminded of my childhood when elders in my home suddenly felt very very thirsty and could not go and fetch water for themselves exactly when SS of DS came on TV... :-)))

Spunky Monkey said...

@tangled - Yes, update is on. Do keep writing. What is the point when you know you can, and still don't.

@Kavitha - Thank you for the kind words. Do stop by next time.

Amogh said...

(Yeah, i was a rather prurient, gutterboy type in my childhood.)

Guess that must be true because I wasn't at all and hence can't identify with what you are saying!

But nice style, dude! Really good writing.

Spunky Monkey said...

Oh, many thanks Amogh.

Anonymous said...

kickass.........

Spunky Monkey said...

Thank you anonymous.

Bit Hawk said...

Haha...ROFLOL :))

Spunky Monkey said...

Thengyoo thengyoo.

alka said...

"And, always grooving to a song whose beat went more often than not, ding-chakk-digi-digi-chakk.
And the lyrics, something like, 'Silku, silku, silku, mysooru silku silku..."


ROTFLMAO!!! I have not laughed so hard in such a long time. Thank you spunky!! I remember watching Silk Smitha in that Kamal Hassan movie 'Sadma'. Chote kapde, biting lips and padded bras.....disgusting!! lol!!
I have no idea who Disco Shanti is.

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