Monday, May 28, 2007

'Scuse me, while i snuff a cry...

Dear all, do not blame me for coming up with another dreary post about academic pursuits. You must realize that when one is a medical student hoping to pass exams, precious else happens besides turning one dreary page after another, all filled with graphic pictures of grotesquely diseased breasts and penises, and then some. (So much for action.)
It is quite the paradox that the very organs that can turn one on could also,when slightly out of order, possess powers to let one lose appetite for days.

Be that as it may, the raison d'etre for my abusing bandwidth and your stopping by this time, is to let you in on an impending task which is so impossible i have chosen to call it The Impossible Task or TIT, for short.
(Yes, i agree i have a very corny sense of humour. And yes, i have read How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild And Got A Life).
The TIT i speak of here could also be referred to as The Impending Doom, or TID. So, in the likeness of Daag - The Fire, Baaz - A Bird In Danger, this disaster shall be called,
The Impossible Task - The Impending Doom,
or TIT - TID. Tittid for convenience.

Whatitees, this Tittid?
My internal - sigh - assessment - sigh - exam.
About the unfairness of medical exams, the evaluation, the unfairness, the ugly unfairness, and did i mention the godawful unfairness, i shall write about some other time.
But today, let us dissect my Tittid.

(As i write, it rains outside real horrorshow; like the clouds have determined to wipe out the human race. Loud and dramatic. Ah, how well they complement my mood)

I have five subjects this time. Let us now anatomize Tittid in heartbreaking, cerebrum-spinning
detail. (okay okay, it won't be too long, don't worry. Or, may be it will.)

*drum rolls, horns, confetti et cetera et cetera*
(You may choose to ignore the details, and jump directly to the synopsis of the story)

{1. General Medicine - Portions
Recommended reading - Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine -
1600 pages
Compulsory reading - Davidson's Principles and Practice of Internal Medicine -
739 pages.
Sidey-book-shunned-by-professors-WORSHIPPED-by-students - Medicine by George Matthew -
476 pages.

2. General Surgery - Portions
Recommended and Compulsory reading - Bailey and Love's Short Practice of Surgery, or The Book That Almost Gave My Mother A Slipped Disk.
(Apparently, it's a Big Deal. I realize most things in medicine work on face value. Ask me, it's a hardly Love-able book that hardly ever Bail-s you out of tough situations (such as Tittid). And Short Practice my arse. It runs 1522 pages, with an index that runs a book length itself,
at 70 pages.)
The portion is a cool Cover to Cover, id est,
1522 pages.
HATED-by-professors - Manipal Manual of Surgery - 825 pages.

3. Paediatrics - Portions
Recommended reading - Nelson's Pediatrics - let us not even go there, but, for a ballpark figure, let's say
1200 pages?
Compulsory, sidey etc. - OP Ghai -
468 pages.

4. Gynaecology - Portions.
Recommended, compulsory, essential all rolled into one - Shaw's -
508 pages.

5. Orthopaedics - Portions
Like most paradoxes turn out, the chaps that deal with the hardest of things (thoo, gutterbrains all) have the softest of hearts.
Recommended, compulsory etc - Maheshwari's Essential Ortho -
26 (yay!) pages.}

So there.
Quick recap.
Recommended reading - 4,956 pages. Oh-ho-kay
Compulsory reading - 3,263 pages. Hmmm, but oh-ho-kay.
Sidey book reading - 2,103 pages. DANG. Et tu, sidey?

This is purest rant, i agree.
Does not warrant your time.
Does nothing to uplift you creatively. Or otherwise.
But, people-in-cushy-software-jobs, spare a thought for poor me. Me, with the exponentially sinking cheeks and shrinking waistline. Spare a thought. Do. I am coming off all clingy and needy, you think i don't realise that? But, how in the name of Hippo-fucking-crates am i to read 2,103 pages of mindnumbingly complex name-dropping in, let's see, EIGHT days?

You ask me to listen to Himesh Reshammiya for 20 hours non-stop. I will. Most that will result in, is brain damage. No problems, decent bargain.
But this?

I need sympathy. Not one of you can empathize, i agree.

While you are at it, pat yourselves on thine collective backs, for having made the right choice when it mattered most. To stay away from anything remotely close to a medical college.

Sigh. Unedited, at-one-go rants are all i am capable of writing. Blogs that discuss writing and ideas and 55-word stories give me a complex SO massive, *insert biggest simile you can think of here, and funniest*. But writing about those blogs where genuinely good writing abounds is
for another day. Also, about those that are famous for no particular reason. And of course, where pseudo- is the dictum.
All, my friend, in good time.
Now i have to get back to knowing what exactly constitutes a 'pain in the ass'.

For an aside - my multilingual, multi-genre playlist currently plays,

'Duniya mein hum aaye hain toh jeena hee paDega,

jeevan hain agar zehar toh peena hee paDega'.
(Lata Mangeshkar & chorus, Mother India, 1957)

Ah, old hindi film songs! How well they compliment my mood.

Friday, May 18, 2007

So, some surgeons are lecherous

There are all kinds of surgeons. (You know, that bunch of slightly over-educated barbers.)
General surgeons, pediatric surgeons, plastic surgeons, neurosurgeons et cetera et cetera.
Most are good.
Some are just plain awesome.
Some are well, lecherous.

I know one such. Let's call him L; L for lecherous, L for lascivious, L for loser and L for first letter of his name. He happens to be a professor; or so he professes. His
small stature is in absolute inverse relation to his Legendary Libido. I think he has a lardaceous, ladoo-munching low-life for a wife. But then, that's just my conjecture.

Now, our man Casanova was to take a tutorial class for us.
This is a class where we take a case which might come for the exam, present it to a consultant and strain cochleas to absorb every whisper that emanates from their halitotic oral cavities. You know, we are kinda desperate; and they kinda stink.
This week, like i mentioned already, L was to come and shower surgical nuggets all over us. His tutorials have characteristics completely their own. At least, unlike any i have encountered thus far.
He -
* makes the girls come closer, to each other, and to him.
* forgets the guys, for all practical purposes. (No, i ain't complaining.)
* insists that the girls tuck their identity cards to their white coat sleeves; and insists on peering down them, just to know their names.
* sometimes pulls them from their coats, and none too subtly while doing so.
* is a syphilitic bastard.

What was the case that we were presenting, one might ask.
You know hernia, dear readers?
You know hernia, you do. It is something that pops out of one's groin (generally).
You know hydrocele, dear readers?
You probably do not. It means fluid in one's testes.
Our patient this time, had both. Aww.

L walks in like a Little Mouse, all prepared to do L talk. ('reys the leyg, reys the heyd, do the teyst', 'Chaurasia is a flute singer' etc)
Patient strips waist down for thirteen pairs of eyes to fix on his things.
L starts.
Girls closer, boys forgotten..the routine.
We do not know what kind of sick behaviour it is, but he always asks the girls to examine the testes and the hernia. The test, by the way, involves some serious grabbing at things. He prods on extremely hesitant, rosary-counting types to make the 'swelling' more tense. This is not some ploy to teach the students better, but the man is so into cheap thrills you want to call him Rakhi Sawant.
Another test involves using one's index finger to do some poking around in certain delicate areas. And his idea of questioning us is to turn to a girl and ask, 'Why not the middle finger?'
There is another silly exercise where we need to localize the hernia using three fingers in a specific manner. In such a scenario, what is the need to take a girl's hand and hold individual fingers, all in the garb to teach us, while he could use his own fingers, that non-amputated bitch.
Cheap shot. (And the man is not getting enough action)

While all this lewd behaviour does slightly irritate me, what really takes my goat is this. During exams, the mere presence of slightly hypertrophied mammary tissue on a humanoid bearing XX ensures spectacular success (according to one running legend, he makes people bend to retrieve paper from the ground). While the unfortunate other half with the weak Y suffers untold indignation for not knowing enough Bailey, Love, Das.

What is this undue advantage to the fairer sex eh? To say, no girl in my batch is even fair.
Totally unfair.

As for Mr.L, balls to him.
(Or, maybe not)

Saturday, May 5, 2007


There is a gnawing desire to tell you all that goes on in the many folds of my small brain,

of the grey and black static that is interrupted by images of color, woven with words and memories,
of the impulses that present as alpha and beta to the more mundane,
of ideas that remain muted, but never erased,
of the visuals i paint in a myriad of colors, but could never put in words,
of the void and brimfulness that my thoughts seem to be constantly vacillating between,
of the voices that doubt and whispers that encourage,
of why the first falling flower of autumn has me all depressed and happy,
of chaos and no-chaos, determined simply by the presence and absence of people,
of my anger and frustration, and inability to counter either,
of words that lend themselves into sentences, but never make it to the tongue, held and strangulated in shy vocal cords,


(now, if only your phone was not always engaged)